It’s all gone dark
Posted by Oli on Sunday 30th September, 2007
I’ve taken a real step back over the last week or so, not so much physically (thank goodness), but mentally.
I’m all too aware that moods change on a regular basis and that it’s more than possible to be up one minute and down the next – that changes in the tone of life are rarely long-held and that normality will be restored with time. But right now things just seem more difficult than they have been for a while.
I’m not entirely sure what kicked it off, although I suspect it was accelerated last Monday when I didn’t go to the cinema. It seems like a strange non-event to become a catalyst for a wave of negativity, but it seems to have encapsulated a lot of hang-ups all in one go.
I was supposed to be going to see a flick I’ve wanted to see for a while with a friend of mine who had the week off, who then had to cancel as he’d promised himself to another mate for his birthday all day and couldn’t swing the time for the movie. It wouldn’t have been much of an issue in the past, I’d have just gone along on my own. But I realised that I had neither the strength nor the confidence to face going to the cinema by myself any more.
From there, things descended down what I suppose is a fairly inevitable path of reassessment of what’s going on in my life and unpleasant realities creeping into my consciousness again.
All of a sudden my inner-eye has switched focus from what I am still able to do with myself from day-to-day to what is now beyond me. All I seem to be able to focus on is what I can’t do rather than what I can. And there’s a lot more things that I’m unable to do than things I can still do.
Everyone has these periodic reassessments of life – where you find yourself taking stock of where you are and how it compares to last year, how it compares to where you thought you’d be, how it compares to where you want to be. And everyone inevitably faces battles against what they expected and what they find – it’s the way life works that we almost never find ourselves in precisely the position we would like to be in.
Still, I can’t seem to shake the dark cloud that’s descended on me again, dragging everything around me into a mire of misinterpretation and moping. I don’t like this me, I don’t like being so downbeat about everything and struggling to appreciate all of the wonderful things I’ve got in my life. But try as I might, I can’t see the light through the dense forest of overwhelming bleakness.
Even the simple joys of spending time with K’s nieces and nephews has been taken away this week as they’re all coming through the early-autumn cough and cold season.
I’m trying so hard not to let myself get beaten down by the hard stuff and to enjoy the good stuff that’s still around but I just feel so bitter and resentful and angry with the world sometimes, but I’ve got no outlet for it. I don’t have the energy to shout and rant and rave and let it all out. I don’t have the energy to take myself off for a cathartic drive around the back roads like I used to. I don’t have the energy or the inclination to do anything to help myself out of my funk and it makes me even more angry – with myself and with my situation.
It’s a vicious circle and I know that I’m helping to perpetuate it by allowing myself to wallow in my unhappiness. I just don’t know how to take myself out of it at the moment – I can’t see the proverbial wood for the trees and I can’t remember what cleared my head of this fog last time.
The one hope I do cling to is that I know I’ve been here before – I know I’ve felt this bleak, dark blackness and I know it’s gone away, so I know it’s beatable. I just can’t remember how. And I hope like hell I’ll find the trump card soon.
PS – I’ve mixed so many metaphors here you could make a cake, so I apologise. It’s not the kind of post I feel like re-reading to spell-check or clean up, though, so we’ll just have to live with it.