Smile Through It II: The Next Chapter

Chasing dreams, because I can

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You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry

Posted by Oli on Monday 30th July, 2007

I’m sure I’ve said it on here before, but sometimes the on-going frustrations of life with little lung start to get to you.

The last few days have seen a small pattern forming of good mornings and a gradual downward slide during the afternoon, which is just about possible to cope with when you know what to expect. It’s the limitations of the downward turns that are starting to get to me.

Take this afternoon, for instance – by no means a stand-alone example and definitely something that’s struck me over the weekend, too – when K was feeling pretty rubbish.

Home from a day at work and having bathed to wash the day away, like many of us she just needed a little bit of TLC. TLC for K meaning Tea, Love and Chocolate.

Wanting to do what I could (not being content with only being able to offer one of three) I headed to the kitchen to brew up a cuppa and the five-minute rinsing/boiling/brewing marathon left me breathless and exhausted.

It was standing over two cups of half-made tea, leaning on the counter trying to get my breath back that things threatened to boil over – and by that point the kettle had been turned off.

It goes beyond what you’d call “frustration” – it’s so much more than that. I was overwhelmingly angry as I stood there feeling utterly useless and debilitated. The trouble was, I don’t really know what I was angry at. I’m not even sure there is a something to be angry at.

I was just angry. And as if to rub hard-crusted rock salt into the gaping jaws of a shimmering, seeping wound I couldn’t even summon up enough air in my lungs to scream in frustration.

It strikes me as the ultimate sort of irony that the next time I have enough energy and breathe to scream at how sh*tty it all is, I’ll be passed it and won’t need to scream.

But I can’t tell you how much I’m looking forward to whatever the first thing to really rile me post-transplant is, because boy is something going to get it full-blast.

So a word to the wise – be nice to me after my op, you never know when I’m gonna blow.

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5 Responses to “You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry”

  1. Suze said

    Oli, you wouldn’t be human if you didn’t get angry. You’ve always been so independent and hated any fuss being made – it’s a wonder to me that only now you are actually writing down how frustrating life is for you at the moment – I’d have been moaning long ago! It is ok to be angry and to feel all those other ‘wonderful’ emotions that remind us that we are who we are. You’re not SO special that you’re not allowed to be! (but only just!)
    Sxxxx

  2. Emily said

    totally brings back memories….although being a girl, the frustration of not being able to catch my breath enough to stir a stupid cup of tea made me cry. As anyone with tinylungs knows, crying is possibly the worst thing you can do (next to shouting). Ended up sitting on the floor gasping. Was fairly stupid. Anyway point being this sounds all too familiar. You wait, that first row you have with someone after tx where you are screaming at each other, you will suddenly stop in the middle and smile as you are so happy just to be screaming…. 😉 Hang on in there mr xx

  3. Jac said

    Lol, have to agree with Emily on the crying thing. The only time I cry is with frustration, and my husband noted recently that he has not seen me cry for a long time despite my increasing levels of frustration at tiny lung situation. It’s simply too tiring and I don’t have the puff. So I get the irony in your situation! The annoying thing is that a good cry or shouting/screaming episode would really be cathartic. Maybe you could just mutter a string of rude words instead. Or is that just me?!

  4. elaine said

    after the op, come back to the theatre

    you’ll be screaming blue murder within 10 minutes

    and then you can realise how good it feels to scream
    and cheer up a little

    and we’ll all be incredibly happy just to have our oli back

    and somehow..it’ll all turn into a big love-fest
    which is obviously a wonderful thing.

    (and…i can’t even make tea…)
    xxx

  5. Bruce said

    *what Elaine said*

    Emphasis on “our Oli” =)

    xxx

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