Smile Through It II: The Next Chapter

Chasing dreams, because I can

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Posted by Oli on Monday 19th March, 2007

No, not like that, you dirty-minded little ratbag.  Hehe – I said ratbag.

No, swinging as in modd-swings, as in ups and downs and roundabouts – a very Miton Keynes kind of blues.

Today’s been full of it.  Every particular kind of “it” you can imagine.  Except that one.  I’ve been up, down, and all around, trying to work out what on earth my head, body, mind, brain, chest, feet and hands are up to.

I’ve decided the answer is that I don’t know.

Having spent the weekend doing nothing, following two days of doing nothing, I’m feeling somewhat bored of nothing-ness.  Today was supposed to be a better day because a) I’ve spent 4 days doing nothing, so I must have improved, even just a little and b) I actually had something to focus on – a telephone interview with David Seaman (ex of England and Arsenal) for CF Talk.

It started slowly (the day, that is, not the interview), it taking me a while to wake up, but I did get up with a good deal less pain than I’ve had for the last few days.  This morning’s discomfort was more in the line of “aches” than pains, which I attribute largely to muscular discomfort after over-compensating for the positions which caused me pain over the weekend.

After dropping K off at work, I prepared for the interview, but when I phoned, David was out (how inconsiderate).

I then sat around for the rest of the morning and I have honestly no idea what I did in the 3 hours between phoning DS and speaking to him when he phoned me back this afternoon.

I’d rather given up on the idea of speaking to him today, actually, and was hugely tired before he did call.  I toyed with the idea for a while of leaving an out-going voicemail message saying, “Hello David Seaman, thanks for calling back, I’m just having a bitof a nap at the moment, but let me know when you’re free and I’ll call you back when I wake up.”

Thought it might seem a bit odd.  Especially if the BT man rang.

Still, I managed to prise my eyes open long enough to hang on for his call.  I managed to stay awake all through the interview, too, which I took to be a good thing because I can’t help feeling it’s a little rude to nod off when talking to a celebrity over the phone.

As it happened, I’m not sure he would have minded, since he seemed like a really lovely bloke.  I managed to glean lots of interesting bits and bobs from our half-hour chat today, including the fact that he is a huge INXS fan, which I promised not o hold against him, in the same way I tried not to hold it against him that he captained the Arsenal side which beat Southampton in the 2003 FA Cup final I was in Cardiff for.

I also learnt he owns a Geri Halliwell album.  He claims it’s his wife’s.

After that, though, things seem to have gone downhill.  (In my day, not the interview, that is).

I picked K up from work and took myself off to bed, where I dozed for an hour or so, then propped myself up in bed with a cuppa to read for a while, but found myself feeling distinctly unpleasant after not too long.  This rampant see-sawing of  wellness has started to drag in the most incessant way.

I’m finding it harder and harder to stay on an even keel mentally when my body sees fit to flip-flop all over the place physically.  It’s not that I seem to be changing from day-to-day, it’s that I can change from hour-to-hour, one minute up and full of energy, ideas and get-up-and-go and the next minute with less energy than a battery-run bunny after a 10-hour run-off against the Duracell dude.

If only there was a pattern or a rhyme or reason to what was happening or when it happened, I would at least be able to square it in my head so that I was prepared for the sudden on-rush of bleakness.  But the constant swinging from state to state creates such an enormous  flux through the day that I find it impossible to anticipate and I find myself being dragged down mentally as soon as I flag physically.

I am hoping against hope that the next few days bring a renewed strength and chance to focus myself on to some of the things I really want to do, because much more of this flip-flopping, see-sawing, up-downing and I think I really might go mad.

Either that or I’ll find myself watching day-time TV, which is the same thing, really.


4 Responses to “Swinging”

  1. Chris Downs said

    Hi Oli 🙂

    I’ve been reading your blog for a few weeks/months now after someone held you up as a shining example of a person living with CF (With that kind of introduction, I was fully prepared to hate you but I’ve become a fan). I decided to pop out the shadows because you’ve been talking about feeling down.

    Perhaps now is a good time to send you a big up from the section of CF’ers that don’t do nearly as much as you (in my case, anything, period) and say what a big impact you have just by doing your thing. Believe it or not you inspire a lot of people whether they want to admit it or not.

    The majority of people with or without CF would be proud to achieve what you have managed. So… after reading your last few posts I have decided to start a blog of my own. I’m not going to publicise it because a) that’s not why I’m posting this comment and b) it may end up a load of rubbish, but it will be updated every day and I’d like you to know you inspired it. Not much I know, but it’s something 🙂

  2. suzie said

    I’ll second the above, Oli you manage to do loads more than many people and that includes your average non working, non cf, and non waiting for a transplant bod.

    Try to go with it, sometimes the worrying about it wears you down more mentally.

    Take care chuck
    Sue x

  3. Bruce said

    As a [reluctant] Deal Or No Deal addict, I can only say that your parralelism between madness and daytime tv…

    is very true.


  4. Emmie said

    Hang in there buddy…sunnier days are on their way :o) xxxxx

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